I Faced My Biggest Fear and Had a Massive Breakthrough, This is How I Did it.

By February 21, 2019 March 7th, 2019 Blogs

I’m that friend of a friend…

You know, that story you hear and aren’t sure whether it could really be true.

It was one of those moments where your whole life is turned upside down and you are left in complete and utter WTF shock.

Yeah. Me. That was me.

Like a handbag that was picked up and turned upside down with all the mum crap we shove in there spilling out…

Lipsticks, coins, that day old half eaten sandwich that the kids didn’t want anymore, water with the lid not screwed on properly leaking everywhere.

That was like how my brain fell out of my head when I found out.

35 and finished with having more kids, sworn off them for good after a horrific PND ride from the youngest six-years-ago. Finally… sleep, freedom, living in purpose, basking in the light at the end of the tunnel with the independence that older kids bring us and a thriving business that I had learned to master in the throes of kidville – not without it’s shit days, challenges and a lot of fails mind you, but you know, that’s the drift.

Only in June 2018 to take a pregnancy test after my husband telling me my boobs looked massive.

I almost fell over in shock, but then soulfully connected with a very unexpected pregnancy.

Lost it at 9 weeks though (feel free to read about it here)

Something weird happened after that though, I realised that I actually did want a third baby…

Note how I said ‘ ’ third baby? As in ONE?

The ultrasound a few months later didn’t hear that and instead showed me THREE heartbeats…

Pregnant with triplets. I never thought it would be me. Who does when the odds are 1 in 8000 and there is no IVF?

All my doctors have told me it is so rare.

That moment. Holy WTAF.

It went something like this:

Me: ‘OMG, please stop counting them, no more!!’

Ultrasound lady: ‘This is certainly…. interesting..’

Me to Me: WTAF? WTAF? WTAF?

Me: ‘Are we sure, like on a scale of one to ten, how confident are we?’

Ultrasound lady: ‘Well, a ten. I wouldn’t be allowed to say anything otherwise.’

Me: ‘This is a joke right?’

Ultrasound lady: ‘Nope.’

Me: ‘April Fools?’

Ultrasound lady: ‘It isn’t even April.’

Me: ‘My husband put you up to it?’

Ultrasound lady: ‘Nope.’

Me: ‘Could your machine be broken?’

Ultrasound lady: ‘No.’

Me to Me: Holy fuck. WTAF. Holy fuck. This isn’t real. This isn’t real.

Me: ‘But, I came in here because I thought I was having a miscarriage?’

Ultrasound lady: ‘Nope, no miscarriage.’

Me calling husband: ‘I’ll be home in ten minutes, sit down and enjoy this last ten minutes because when I get home your life is about to change.’

Husband ‘What?’

Me: ‘Thanks, k, bye, see you soon.’

Me to me: Hyperventilating.

Fast forward to the time of writing this and at 21-weeks pregnant one triplet has left us and we have twins here to stay. Locked and loaded, they are coming god knows when, and now I have picked myself up from the floor, made peace with the fact this is going happen and with a lot of inner work I’m back in the flow of life.

But it took a lot to get here and it wasn’t pretty. I mean, it was pretty fucking ugly to be honest with you.

Self growth is always painful and ugly though. It never comes to us wrapped up in a pretty ribbon, gives you a hug and passes you a glass of wine to enjoy.

Do you know how harrowing it is to actually go to an ultrasound and catch yourself hoping that there is one baby less? Hoping that the 12-week nuchal translucency test will throw up an abnormality? To say things you never imagined in your whole life saying about bringing another child into this world? To fake smile through despair when people are congratulating you? To feel relief and guilt at the same time about one of the heartbeats stopping? To sit in the doctor’s office and talk about termination and selective reduction with tears searing down your face feeling like an absolute gutter trash of a person for even entertaining the idea?

For the pro-lifers reading this, cracking their knuckles getting ready to release relentless judgements.

Stop.

There is no one who can judge me harder or more viciously than I judged myself and trust me, I know how bloody harsh you guys are, I’ve read your comments online because I’ve googled it all.

Until you’ve been in this situation, no one, not anyone, can understand.

After enduring relentless PND with my youngest six-years ago, going through two years of torture and sleep deprivation, losing my mind for a short while which folded into thoughts of also taking my own life. The fear of raising any more than one baby this time round buckled me to my knees because I was utterly and wholly convinced twins would have a catastrophic result on my family, and my sanity.

Don’t get me wrong, since I recovered from PND, I’m a strong person. Actually, I generally always have been. Every time I get knocked down I get back up better and stronger. I went on to build a million dollar business in the space of 18-months of starting it, found my purpose and thrived living within it, have experienced beautiful successes and acknowledgements in my community and prosper on personal development, being spiritually educated and constantly push and refine who I am and what I stand for into the best version I can be and I share a lot of this in my Facebook group.


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But knowing that about myself, it still wasn’t enough to convince me I could handle this challenge the universe had bashed me over the head with. Depending on how you look at it, it’s a miracle or a curse and I saw it as a curse. For a short while I was incapable of reframing it into anything positive because I was trapped in a vicious fight or flight cycle with my body sending stress of all the ‘what if’s’ into every cell of my body.

Everyone said to me that once I connect with the babies all my fears will fall away, they said when I see them I will love them and will be ok and whilst I know their words were well meaning it was nowhere near enough to override my anxiety which was debilitating, exhausting and tormenting at the time.

For a good 12 weeks, I was convinced I had fucked our lives. I said it to my husband many times.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I wanted to undo what I had done with a magical life eraser.

But I couldn’t and so I despaired and with the mental overload, depression swept in, and then the most beautiful and unexpected thing happened.

Just for a second, I caught a glimpse of myself from the outside looking in and what I saw humbled me.

I saw a Mum of two, who turned out to have her most terrifying fear in the whole world thrown upon her like a bunch of funnel web spiders. Doing her best to move through it while at the same time beating herself up with sticks because of the expectations she subconsciously had accrued over time dictated to her. Feeling like she had to be and feel a certain way and the guilt of not being able to match these expectations was choking her like a hungry and angry python.

Why?

Why are we so bloody hard on ourselves?

I know it isn’t just me, because I see it everywhere from mothers, just like me.

Unless you’ve neglected your kids, there is no need to be an arsehole to yourself, we are human. We hurt, we fear, we pain, we do our best. We aren’t robots.

I did this to myself only because I wanted to be the best possible version of myself for my 9-year-old daughter moving into teenage years, for my 6-year-old son who I didn’t connect with for the first two years of his life and to be a happy and loving wife for a husband who has been my rock and loved and nurtured me despite my crazy.

Fear scanned everything like the Terminator, found all of my vulnerabilities with laser focus, decoded them and mutated the crap out of my self-worth, and every time I tried to take it down, it rebuilt with more fear on top of fear because fear recruits fear.

This is how fear works and from what I have seen, my guess is the majority of us live in some form of fear. Fear of failure, fear we aren’t enough, fear our body isn’t perfect, fear we aren’t pretty, fear we aren’t smart enough, fear we aren’t good enough mums. It’s like a disease and doesn’t go away until we find the root cause.

My turning point was exactly that, finding the root cause and understanding it was all because I thought I wasn’t enough, and what healed me was surrendering and accepting that I already am enough.

I am enough.

I don’t have to change anything or do anything different because my children chose me and everything I am doing, flawed or perfect, is teaching them what they chose to learn before coming into this life.

Just the same way as 3 little souls chose me. {Ok, so one got here, had a look around and then bailed out (lol) but, everything for a reason. Maybe he was just a filler soul, to really kick in the shock of having multiples, no, twins isn’t enough of a head fuck, let’s go for triplets for real shock and awe!}

Once I saw it like that, I was finally able to forgive myself for judging myself so harshly and lead with self-compassion instead of self-loathing and in that moment of surrender I heard it;

“Don’t you know? I’ve been sitting right here. I’ve been listening to you cry. I’ve witnessed your torment. I’ve seen your face pale with stress.

This is here to teach you. It is holding a mirror up to your biggest fears and weaknesses and forcing you to confront them so you can cleanse. 

It is here to teach you that you do know yourself, your limits and your boundaries and you found your way, were brave, stepped into your true self and honoured them

After the breaking, comes the awakening.

We as a society avoid and run away from depression, we medicate it, we try to hide from it and that’s ok. I’ve done that too and I believe there is a time and a place for everything but there is a profound teaching in depression should we choose to stare it in the face and ask ‘why are you here?’

The dark night of the soul comes to us to collapse everything that is meaningless in our lives that we had egotistically given meaning. It shakes up our conceptual framework of who we think we are and destabilises anything not aligned with our higher purpose, it invalidates everything that we had falsely validated and leaves only the parts that are true.

Once we are brave enough to step into the darkness of its reverence and connect with the deeper meaning it splinters away to reveal a transformation that prevails and annuls fear.

We awaken into a sense of purpose that we didn’t see or feel before and it lights up everything around us. There is a deeper and more soulful understanding of ourselves and a beautiful resignation of things that just don’t matter anymore which makes space for a kaleidoscope of perspective, awareness, harmony and inner peace.

It is the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.

Despite the experience being the most harrowing of my life, I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined and feel stronger, wiser, more in-tune, connected and within purpose, because the law of polarity lives well and true in stating that everything that exists has an equal and exact opposite.

Repeat or evolve

Whilst I was in this transformation process, after two years of having low iron (and energy) my GP told me whilst I am pregnant, there isn’t any further testing that can be done to try and remedy it until after I give birth.

Ok fine.

Not sure how it occurred to me, but I made an appointment with a naturopath to try and get it sorted which I wasn’t super keen on because I thought I would just go, pay $150 and be told to eat more healthy.

And, I like McDonalds.

But….

Rolling around in the back of my mind was low iron = low energy + newborn babies = no sleep = mental Nat and I don’t like mental Nat so I knew I needed to get my iron sorted to help combat the onslaught of sleep deprivation twins will bring.

Turns out, I was totally wrong and my naturopath is freaking amazing and I’m about to go for my third appointment and we have not even talked about food yet (I know it is coming though so I’ve already planned my Maccas run just before she cuts me off.)

She said something to me that made me so pissy because I can’t believe I went for so long without this realisation or that my GP never suggested it. That her plan for my wellbeing was a well-rounded one and that she was going to help get my body nourished and energy levels back up to best support me through this pregnancy and newborn stage again. As well as form a circle of professionals around me to further support my well-being and will co-share my care with them.

It makes so much sense, to have a GP plus a circle of professionals, traditional and holistic who can all contribute to replenishing our mental health after it has been attacked.

So, when I contacted my GP to ask if they could open communication and work together with my naturopath and psychologist to give me the best chance of maintaining my mental health through the pregnancy and birth of my twin daughters. I have to admit, I was pissed when my GP said no, it was against their policy.

Ok. Fine.

I get it.

But I also don’t.

When it comes to mental health, why are barriers being put up and options being made harder to access from the very people whom we are told to go to for help?

I mean, I know why…

But, it blows my mind that as a society we are trained to go to the GP, take antidepressants and deal with it when in conjunction there is a whole other world out there of things we can do to support ourselves through challenges we are faced with as mums.

With inner work, comes inner peace

So, it is one thing to talk about finding inner peace and strength {and a circle of professionals to help} but how do we actually do that? It is a skill, a collection of intel, an investigation into ourselves, sometimes we can do it with our own soul searching and sometimes it takes seeing other people to feed out what is in our mind and body and be able to reflect on it from the outside.

See a Psychologist
It is a pretty obvious one right? I’ve been seeing mine once a week for a few months now and I do it because I’ve realised I am the type of person that needs to say all the stuff in my head out loud, unpick it, look at it from different angles and then take what I need from it and pack it back up and move on.

See a Naturopath
I originally only booked an appointment because my iron continually drops but OMG I hit the jackpot with mine. My first appointment we didn’t even get to the topic of my iron because she takes a holistic point of view and we covered so much stuff I wasn’t expecting that has formed the bigger picture to my health. Then once she had the bigger picture, she put me on selected vitamins, minerals and probiotics which have aided in lifting my mood and is investigating other reasons why my iron is dropping.

Kinesiology and Reiki
For my spiritual sisters – I love these sessions, kinesiology reveals my shadow self, my limiting beliefs, my blocks all of which affect my mental health and my ability to thrive, it blows me away that all of it can be linked through the body and back to childhood. And, Reiki (energy healing) helps realign and clear the parts of my body and spirit that has been holding on. I feel like a different person afterward.

Water and Diet
I know, another obvious one and to be honest with you, I fall off the wagon with this one all the time because I love me some chocolate…. But I certainly have been making a conscious effort to improve these areas and nourish my body. I have a glass of water as soon as I wake up because after a night of sleep we all wake up dehydrated which aids in mental fogginess.

Inner Self Work
The most important one of all, because none of the above will come into play if we first look inward, instead of outward. Inner self work involves awareness, understanding the labels we give ourselves and how they trap us from growth, self-forgiveness and being kind to ourselves. Recognising when fear is dominating our actions, understanding when we are projecting into the future with no grounds to stress or worry about it and learning how to reframe our perception.

Living within Purpose
This can be a tricky one, because we don’t always know what our purpose is. But, what I have learned over time is if you’re feeling stressed, unfulfilled, resentful and just generally a bit pissy with life then these are all signs and callings telling you there is something more to life. When I started Business Jump, I had no idea what a purpose was. But as I went, I realised that my gift and my skill is helping people start an online business. It comes so easy to me and it makes me feel so good helping others jump onto the same track as what I have found so much freedom and fulfilment from. So when I was feeling burned out and unmotivated I remembered to myself how much I loved doing what I do and how much it lights me up and used it as my northern star to find my way back. If you want help finding your purpose, download my free worksheet and put some pen to paper – pop your email in below and I’ll send it straight to you.


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What we think is not always real.

Asking ourselves why? Why is this hurting? What is this emotion I am feeling? When did I feel like this last? Is my perception of this true? With continuing awareness of ourselves and what is happening around us, the answers will start to come and set us free.

I also take time every morning to walk around 5.30am – 6am (it used to be a run but now at 21 weeks I do admit it’s more of a waddle) and connect with what is happening around me (the birds singing, the tree’s blowing etc) to be still in the present moment. Then I find a spot on my bush track to sit and meditate, on the way home I usually listen to a podcast about business or spirituality or self-development to continue my education.

Anytime I feel myself sliding again, I remember a study which was done that proved the brain can not tell the difference between someone playing the piano and someone thinking they are playing the piano… it is pretty fascinating right? So, I go over the things I am grateful for and then I imagine endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin all activating and flooding in my body to release happy feelings. I always feel happier after doing it.

Maintain your new found peace

Once we find this new state of inner peace, generally we become extremely protective of it so it becomes a conscious effort to allow ourselves to continue feeling, but also sorting and recalibrating what feelings and thoughts are worthy of sticking around and what we can evict because they are just trouble makers coming to crash the inner peace party.

We can become quite efficient in catching our own feelings and thoughts, but ones absorbed from other people can sneak in like a mouse walking past a cat. Not long after I found my peace after this whole ordeal, I was having a conversation with the Bonds lady and told her I was expecting twins when buying some maternity bras. The twin mums warned me this would happen. All of a sudden, the other 3 assistants loitering about the counter all dropped what they doing and came over with allllllll-the-comments…

‘OMG Twins! Poor you’

‘I wouldn’t like to have twins’

‘Double my kids? No thanks!!’

‘Wow! Do you think they’ll come early?’

‘You are going to be big as a house!!’

‘I’m a twin, my mum said it was HAAAARRRDDD work’

‘I’ve got a friend with twins, she says she NEEE….VV…ER sleeps, like, EVER, never’

I dropped in at that stage it actually was triplets to start with just for the fun of seeing all their faces drop.

And, then said…

‘Ladies….’

‘Let’s just ALL calm down for a second’

‘Take a breath in’

‘We are all going to be fine’

‘I’ve done the inner work’

‘Don’t disturb my inner peace and confidence over this’

‘We’re all going to be JUST fine’

I said it as I paid and grabbed my extra large sized maternity bras looking at them thinking, Jesus, I am usually a size S-M and my boobs ARE the size of a bloody house already 😂😅😲

Other peoples fears and opinions can start to infect even the most confident people, so be aware and recognise that other peoples opinions can undo our hard work if we allow it to.

But really, how do the Bonds ladies know that I’m not going to be the best freaking twin mum ever? (Haha, it is a far stretch I admit) But, build a house of calmness and confidence around it and don’t let anyone shoot it down with their projections and fears.

It isn’t the end

So in this moment, I’ve accepted myself.

I’ve chosen to believe that I am enough, just the way I am.

And finally, I’ve found peace in my mind about what is coming.

Attached and connected to my babies, even celebrated them and I’ve allowed the fear to gently slide away.

I’ve also been reminded that on the other side of ugly fear, is beautiful inner peace.

As a result, life is happy, business is thriving, I’m back in the flow.

What used to be a horror show in my mind about raising twins, is now just a static channel.

Because the story hasn’t been finished yet – so how can I fear it?

Maybe I might end up in a straight jacket in a crazy home or maybe I might win mother of the year award. 😅

I have NFI and therein lies the beauty.

Continue following the journey in my Facebook group.